Why are there some people I just can’t communicate effectively with?
We all have come across a person (or people) in our lives that we find difficult to communicate and/or connect with. Humans are born with an innate ability to judge a situation within milliseconds as a survival instinct. It is what has kept us safe enough to evolve from tribes into civilisations.
So when we come across someone who ‘does not gel with us’ it is because there is something within us that has judged them as not friendly, safe or supportive in such a quick amount of time that we very rarely are conscious of it even happening.
How does that judgement happen without conscious awareness?
We have an amazing subconscious system in our minds that uses past experiences, events or situations to develop a map of what is and is not supportive of our survival. This subconscious system is triggered by our current situation by recognising similarities to what has happened to us in the past.
So when you come across someone who you don’t connect with, it is usually because they trigger something in your subconscious mind. The trigger can result in a variety of emotions – frustration, anger, sadness, fear. If we are triggered without creating awareness around it, the ability to communicate effectively just goes south from there.
Why can’t we communicate effectively once we are triggered?
Most (if not all) people are able to pick up on other people’s emotions easily through their body language, tone of voice or the words they use. When engaged in a one to one situation a triggered person that is communicating from a place of emotion then activates the millisecond subconscious response from the other party. This will very commonly create a trigger in the other. If not checked and disseminated, this double trigger can create a back and forth battle where each person needs to ‘win’ in the engagement, or where one will back down and loose their train of thought and become submissive. In either situation there is no longer the ability to communicating any messaging effectively.
How do I stop myself from being triggered?
This is the million-dollar question. The key though is all-around awareness. Awareness of oneself, awareness of the current situation, awareness of the motivations and personality types of others. Stephen Covey (7 Habits for Highly Effective People) states that we first should seek to understand before being understood. This means, understand how and why we are being triggered the way we are, how and why we are able to trigger others as once we understand that, we are able to gain back control over our emotions and communicate from a place where win win situations for everyone is the ultimate outcome.
If you would like more information about how you can better communicate with others, especially those who come across as being difficult, check out our 1 day course Dealing with Difficult People.
