The relationships that we build with others is usually founded on some common ground, we could be family, co-workers, members of the same group or have things in common that create a connection.
Early in relationships we are learning about each other and are often generous with our interpretations of the other persons behaviours. We tend to let things go easily and don’t have any preconceived ideas or expectations of how the relationship should be. Once the relationship forms however, we may start to find that the other person is triggering frustration, sadness and anger in us through their behaviours or the words they use when they communicate.
Sometimes relationships just don’t form, that can be due to our inability to be generous with our interpretations of the other persons behaviours. They can trigger frustration, sadness and anger in us with ease. And over time it gets easier and easier to become triggered, even just then looking at us, they can send our heart racing and our blood pressure through the roof.
So why is this?
The number 1 reason why people are able to trigger us in these ways is because they are not showing up for us in the way that we need them to. We set expectations on how the relationship should look through experiences in the early stages or through our experiences with other relationships and when our needs are not met as we expect them to be, it creates that frustration, sadness and anger.
So, what can you do about this?
1. Find out why you feel that way
When we are triggered emotionally by others, it is usually because we feel like are needs are not being met. It can be from not feeling valued, enough, validated. We need people to show up in a particular way in order to meet our emotional needs and when that doesn’t happen, it triggers those feelings of sadness, frustration and/or anger.
The first step of combatting this is to acknowledge the 50% that we bring to the situation and to also find out what our own personal reasons for feeling this way may be. Sometimes this is a simple process, and other times you may need the assistance of a therapist or coach to help you connect to the subconscious programming causing these responses. Once you have found out why, the you can start communicating effectively with the other party.
2. Communicate
You are always able to communicate your needs and expectations with others. In the workplace, this would be setting up company values, vision and mission, job descriptions, KPIs, performance reviews etc. In personal relationships, this may be done through family meetings, one on one conversations or even family/relationship counselling.
This often does not work well, and that is not because people are unwilling to create the relationship they want, but rather the fact that very rarely do we have the skills to do this well.
When we start communicating with someone who has triggered us in the past, we tend to come to the conversation already fueled with emotion which can cause the message to be misunderstood or lost completely. The other party may feel attacked, not listened to or unvalued which takes each person straight back to triggering the sadness, frustration and anger in each other.
If you can communicate effectively, you may find that you are able to mutually meet the needs of each other. But sometimes even after communicating effectively one or both parties just may not be able to come to the table. If that is the case then you may need to exercise Point 3 – Acceptance of the person and situation.
3. Practice acceptance
The reason we expect people to show up for us in a particular way is due to our own internal needs. Maybe it was due to experiences as a child that now create feelings of not being enough when the other party behaves or speaks in particular ways. If maintaining the relationship is important to you, then you may need to adjust the expectations you set. Dig deep and find out why you are being personally triggered and then work on those areas within.
Once you find the place of acceptance then you no longer have those expectations of others around you. Your relationship may not be as close as others that you hold but you don’t have to burn bridges and cause awkwardness during future interactions.
You just accept that they are as they are and spend time putting energy into those relationships where you are mutually meeting the needs of each other. Where you find that this is not possible (especially where there are adverse effects to your physical or psychological wellbeing) then you may just need to walk away.
If you have tried the above options and someone is not showing up for you in the way that you need them to, or they are not meeting the expectations you have for the relationship, then you have the option of walking away. You have the power to end the relationship and just move on. If you have done the work on yourself AND truly believe you have given it a red hot shot at communicating yet have not been able to establish a win win for both parties AND you are unable to come to a place of acceptance (due to physical or psychological safety issues) then you may have no other option of walking away and this is OK. Running from a relationship without putting in the work can cause major guilt and regret though, so make sure you are confident that you really did do everything you could before you throw in the towel.
